Horror movie Monsters you can beat

AWWW SUPER UPPER CUT

I got the inspiration for this list the other night when I was heavily intoxicated and came across a trailer for The Gingerdead Man vs. Evil Bong. I have not seen Evil Bong, so even though it looked like a sure fire win for this list, sadly it is not included. With that said, here’s some gibberish about horror movie monsters you can probably beat!

Finding yourself the unsuspecting victim in a horror movie is just the kind of thing that can ruin your day. You decide to go into an isolated stretch of woods or an abandoned warehouse with all your friends, especially your one black friend, for an innocent night of drinking and general teen debauchery. You wander off with a hot young blonde in hopes of finally becoming a man and BAM… A machete wielding maniac comes along and cock-blocks you into a new oblivion, all because the other kids were mean to him forty years ago to this very day. Now your girl is dead, you may be next, and you’re hoping more than ever that the rule about virgins never dying in a horror movie holds true.

Well hold on to that Keystone Light kiddo, because there’s still hope! If you just so happen to be one of the lucky few who gets matched up against one of these horror movie “monsters”, you have a great chance of surviving. Because they suck and are easy to beat.

SPOILER ALERT! I may have to tell you how they were defeated in order to show you how easy they were to beat. Don’t worry though, a lightning bolt or a séance can always bring them back for a sequel!

The Gingerdead Man
As seen in The Gingerdead Man (2005)

Gary Busey at his finestThe Gingerdead man is an actually gingerbread man who comes to life when it’s possessed by the spirit of a convicted killer (Gary Busey), who is sent to death by electric chair. I have to admit that Gary Busey as a deranged maniac killer sounds like a terrific idea for a horror movie… or documentary? Anyways, Gary Busey as the voice of a gingerbread man who kills sounds about as good as it turned out. This one is pretty easy, I mean, it’s an actual gingerbread man. It doesn’t seem to have any powers other than the ability to talk and generally be alive. At one point he’s shooting at everyone but keeps missing because cookies can’t really hold guns. How do you beat this mess? Wait around until you feel your stomach rumbling for some sweet pastries and grab a glass of milk. He actually gets his head bit off in the end and for some reason bleeds everywhere.

Turkie
As seen in Thankskilling (2009)


Turkie is a turkey who kills and apparently can’t spell. I almost forgot about this son of a bitch, but somehow when thinking about this article an evil turkey Muppet was just too good to slip past me. He terrorizes some college kids over thanksgiving break. Also, he can talk and says hilarious things and sometimes has an axe! Other than this he doesn’t seem to have any real powers. How can you beat this feathery terror? It’s a turkey…

Jack Frost
As seen in Jack Frost (1997)


This is one is about a serial killer who is killed in an accident when his prison truck collides with a tanker containing genetic materials and his remains fuse with snow. The result is a murderous snowman. So why don’t they just turn up the heat or stand in the sun? That’s because they are characters in a horror movie and are forbidden from showing any brain function. I’d say there’s about a thousand ways to destroy a snowman, even an evil one. In the movie they cover him with antifreeze.

Slug
As seen in Slugs: The Movie (1988)

Man-eating slugs contaminate a water supply and the health inspector is the only one who can stop them! This is one I can’t really understand. Bugs and stuff can be creepy, but slugs? Sluggish literally means slow and lazy. Since I’m from New England, I’d just have one of those salt trucks we use for snow drive around and melt the shit out of these things. In the movie they use some sort or poison. Couldn’t someone just call an exterminator?

The Aliens from Signs
As seen in Signs (2002)

dumb-alienSigns is one of two good movies from M. Night Shymalan. Until you get Shymalaned right in the kisser by one of his patented twist endings that ruin all of his movies. The creeping terror of an alien invasion is thwarted by a glass of water, good for you if you’re in the middle of an alien invasion, bad for you if you just sat through an hour and a half of a descent horror flick only to get kicked in the nuts Shymalan style. That’s right; the most abundant substance on earth is the aliens’ one weakness. Don’t they have Google or Wikipedia? Anyways, beating these suckers takes little to no effort; you can spit on them, grab a super soaker, or even just sit in a pool and dare them to come at you. Before you know it, they will be melting faster than that bitch from the Wizard of Oz and you can go back to your Cheetos and Game of Thrones marathon!

-SPAZZ

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